Infodeck: How to turn bad writing into easy-to-read copy

Copy Makeover No. 1 (SuperTel Hospitality) from Rusty Cawley

This is the first is a series of infodecks where we will look at how to apply the techniques of readability to turn poorly written copy into easy-to-read prose. Today, I pick on a news release from SuperTel Hospitality.

How to write for readers

Anyone who can converse in English can learn to write clearly.  I’m convinced of it. Not everyone can write like Hemingway. But just about anyone can learn to write to the level of an above average newspaper reporter.

It’s a matter of discipline. If you follow a handful of principles, many of them set down by the readability expert Robert Gunning, you can master the craft of writing clearly:

1. Write to express, not to impress. If you follow this principle, the others fall into line. Get past the idea that there is an “educated” style of writing.  Communicate ideas as quickly and easily as possible.
2. Keep your sentences short. This is a general rule. On average, you should compose sentences that can be read aloud in a single breath. But it's also a good practice to vary the length of your sentences to improve their flow and to avoid choppiness.
3. Choose the simple; avoid the complex.  If you expect readers to wade through a tangle of needless adjectives, adverbs and clauses to discover your point, then prepare for disappointment.  Keep your sentences lean.
4. Stick with familiar words. There are only a few thousand words we use in everyday conversation. Work with them.  Words with more than two syllables slow down the reader. Grease the wheels. Stay with one or two syllables whenever you can. Use polysyllable words as your change of pace.
5. Use precise nouns. If you find the need to use an adjective, think again. There’s probably a noun that will allow you to avoid the modifier.
6. Use active verbs. Any sentence can perform two tasks. It can describe a thing or it can describe an action. The best sentences do both. Do your best to work around sentences that use verbs like “is,” “are,” and other variations of “to be.” Such sentences lack verve.
7. Use the active voice. All sentences that are written in the passive voice should be recast.  The active voice brings power to a sentence. The passive voice drains a sentence of its momentum.
8. Prefer the concrete to the abstract.  If you wouldn’t use a word or a phrase in everyday conversation, then find another one.  Scientists, engineers and economics speak in abstractions. We’re not writing for them. Everyday people talk in concrete terms. You will get further writing for them.
9. Understand your readers. Study their wants and needs. Learn to speak their language. Relate your ideas to their experiences.
10. Write with a human voice. Avoid the legalese. Distain the corporate drone. Craft sentences that sound as if they come from a friend.

Keep a simple idea simple; avoid needless complexity

Here’s a news release that allows the news to get lost in the weeds of legal and technical yip-yap.

Supertel Hospitality, Inc. (NASDAQ: SPPR), a real estate investment trust (REIT), today announced that it sold the 114-room GuestHouse Inn in Jackson, Tennessee for $1.1 million. Supertel purchased the property in July 1998 and it was no longer classified as a core holding. The company will use the proceeds from the sale for general corporate purposes.  

Year-to-date Supertel has sold 11 non-core hotels generating gross proceeds of approximately $19.3 million. Four hotels are currently under contract and expected to close by year-end, pending financing and other customary closing conditions. The sale of the hotel demonstrates the company's continued commitment to the business plan which calls for continued balance sheet improvement by shedding underperforming assets.

What went wrong

• The original text is written for the high school graduate, scoring a 12.7 on the Gunning Fog Index. We prefer to produce text that scores between 6 and 7.

• The text contains only 114 words, but 26 have three or more syllables. That’s about 23 percent. We want to cut that by at least half.

• The original takes a simple business deal and makes it hard to grasp. It forces the reader to wade through a lot of wasted words to find the main point. The real story here isn’t that the company sold a hotel.  The story is that the company is following through with its plan to sell off its worst hotels. The underlying message is: “We’re getting better, so you should buy our stock.” But that gets lost in all the wasted words and clumsy punctuation.

• The text is written for the eye, not the ear. Try reading it aloud. Notice how awkward it feels on the tongue. This is a sure sign of writing that lacks clarity. If you can’t say it easily, you can’t read it easily. It is just that simple.

• The lead paragraph uses two sets of parentheses in the first 11 words. Parentheses are stoppers. They disrupt the flow of a sentence and make it harder to read. It makes far more sense to work parenthetical information into the body of the text.

• Lawyers love to add words that add nothing.  In the pursuit of absolute precision, they sacrifice clarity. For example: “Four hotels are currently under contract and expected to close by year-end, pending financing and other customary closing conditions.” Needless words put the burden on the reader. When faced with hard-to-read text, readers seldom work harder; they are more likely to quit.

The rewrite

Supertel Hospitality has sold the GuestHouse Inn in Jackson, Tenn., for $1.1 million, the company said today. The GuestHouse is one of 11 hotels Supertel sold this year for a total of $19.3 million.

The company has sold 11 hotels this year for a total of $19.3 million.  

Supertel viewed the hotels as poorly performing assets and sold them to improve its balance sheet. Contracts to sell four other hotels should close by Dec. 31.  

Supertel Hospitality is a real estate investment trust that trades on Nasdaq as SPRR.  

The company bought the 114-room GuestHouse Inn in 1998.  Money from the sale will go into the general fund.

Why the rewrite is easier to read

• The rewrite scores a 6.8 on the Gunning Fog Index., making this text measurably easier to read than the original. Of its 94 words, 11 have three or more syllables.

• The rewrite puts the actual news front and center. We no longer have to search for the connection between the news hook with the big picture. The hook is the sale of the hotel; the big picture describes how the sale fits into the company’s strategy.

• We’ve cut the multi-syllable words to 12 percent, making the text much easier to comprehend on the first reading. We could make the rewrite easier to read if we could cut the multi-syllable words like “hospitality” and “investment.”

• We have also changed the voice of the text from passive to active.  For example, “Contracts to sell four other hotels should close by Dec. 31.”

• We've taken out those nasty parentheses that mucked up the lead paragraph, and moved that information to graf 4. The lawyers may not like it, but the readers will.

Simple tip to improve your writing: Use more periods.

Writers love commas.

They allow us to start in one place, meander freely through a series of connected concepts, wrap our prose around a metaphor or two, and arrive safely at a conclusion.

Unfortunately, they also allow us to abuse our readers, stumbling from one unrelated idea to another, ignoring the need for transitions, droning on and on, and utterly losing and confusing our audiences.

There is a simple solution to improve your writing. Use more periods.

Embrace the concise. Next time you are thinking about one more comma, go with a period.